I had a dream last night. I had many dreams last night. I was up every hour. I haven’t been sleeping. My dreams are keeping me awake. Last night I had a dream that has me broken today, and I hate when my imagination has this sort of debilitating effect on me.
In my dream, I’m at an event with friends and extended friends. It’s a pretty big event, though I don’t know exactly what it’s for, and I see an old friend there. In real life, this particular friend and I have not had a real conversation in over 2 years. We had a falling out, though I don’t know that you can give it such a passive name. We had a purposeful ending of our friendship. It was an event that dramatically changed my life. Well, in this dream it is present day. I went to the bathroom to get away and be alone because being around her and our friends makes me feel like an outsider. Like I need to fall away so she can enjoy time with them all.
I stepped away so I could cry in the bathroom and she came in right behind me. She wanted to talk and seek reconciliation. In real life, she hasn’t wanted to talk. She hasn’t wanted to resolve anything and I have tried for the past 2 years to do so. The last time I made any effort to resolve any issues with her was in August and that was the last time I was trying. I recently heard from an older friend that the two of them had a conversation and they talked about me in it and this girl made a comment about how she wants to resolve things. So, this transferred to my dream.
She wanted to talk to me. But I started telling her that I was not willing and I went to walk out of the bathroom and she stopped me and I fought and cried and then settled. The scene was much like a hurting little sister with her big sister and there needed to be some sort of force to allow the situation to happen. In that moment we were reconciled.
I am broken from this dream because over the years so much has been misinterpreted and screwed up that any sort of reconciliation is not even possible. I miss my friend and I hate that my mind allows me to think these things. I can’t emotionally handle these illusions. I can’t handle having hope anymore. Not for this situation. That hope went out the window a long time ago.
I don’t quite know what I am going to do to console myself today, but something needs to be done. I don’t want to feel like this much longer.
